Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. ?? Im in the same boat. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. Two things.. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. What should I do? His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. Lemongrass At best, a season and a half. My parents have an awesome house with a huge yard with bike, 4 wheelers, space for baseball, a pool, tennis court (now I sound spoiled)if we lived close enough Id rather hang at their house than our little apartment. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. Yeah.. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. January 4, 2021, 3:30 am. ReginaRey And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. Then you need a different boyfriend. You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. What about visiting your parents? This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. And he was a bore. Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. Its just simple, smart, communication! I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a Will.i.am I am curious of yalls ages though. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. silver_dragon_girl Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a Some peoples parents are just like that. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. Francine Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. Heck, some people are just like that. lets_be_honest Like he was programmed that way. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. Laura Hope But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. artsygirl Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. That was what I meant. Communication people. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. LW, you are not being unreasonable! and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. Laura Hope January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. hops the bus and goes straight home. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. GatorGirl And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. Dont people like to do things in their cities? bittergaymark She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl it was just a sort of tradition. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. But come on, man! I agree with the expenses. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. 2. I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. WebGo to counseling with your husband. Yes, this. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. True enough, Flake. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. Its not weird to them. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. Different strokes for different folks. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. lets_be_honest Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. Laura Hope January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. That an entire day together isnt enough? Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. You go along with him to his familys house. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest Well, then you are simply NOT a match. ForeverYoung January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. GatorGirl Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. Well. Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. ForeverYoung WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. Youre right. Bike riding? This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. GatorGirl June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. . If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. SpaceySteph However, I think the They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. On the weekends he spends at Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. Is this normal? Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. 1. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. . Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. Have you tried just not going? Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. The timeline seems off here. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. Also, make plans with friends. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. 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